Reminder: anger=feeling upon being provoked; rage=reaction to angry feeling (mild to severe; resentment=retaining a grudge

Watch your mood!

Some days are just like that. You go out on a cold morning and you have a flat tire. That makes you late for your appointment, at which the customer tells you that he gave the deal to a competitor. The boss blames you for losing the job. You want to punch him, because you wanted to bid lower, but he didn’t let you. You don’t dare vent your anger on him because he’ll fire you forthwith.

You go out for lunch, but the restaurant is so crowded that there isn’t a single vacant space. You grumble and go back to the office and settle for a cup of coffee.

As you get into the car to go home, your back goes out on you. You just barely make it home. Your wife greets you with the news that your son was sent home from school because of bad behavior. Under other circumstances, you might have a talk with your son to find out what happened, but given the way you feel today, you consider yourself a saint for only screaming at him and threatening him with everything you can think of.

Your reaction toward any annoyance should be based on what it is in reality, and not on how you happen to feel, because when you’re in a bad mood, everything can be magnified 100 times. On days like the one above, don’t say anything at the time. Delay it until your irritability has eased.

I’ve made it a point that when I write an angry letter to someone, I put it in the desk for 48 hours, then I read it. In every case, I rewrite the letter, making my point in a non-provocative way, in what I call a “velvet hammer.” I express my displeasure without attacking. In virtually every case, I receive an apology or an appropriate explanation.

King Solomon said it, “The gentle words of the wise are heard” (Koheles 9:17) . I assume you want to get your point across. Wait until you can say it calmly.

Some people who lose their temper may say, “I couldn’t help it. It was beyond my control.” True, sometimes it is very difficult to control oneself when provoked, but it is not impossible. If your employer angered you and you knew that if you reacted angrily you would lose your job, you would no doubt keep silent. In other words, when there is a great gain to withholding a rage response, you can control yourself.

The Talmud says, “If someone overlooks an insult and does not react, all his sins are forgiven.” Rashi says that this refers to someone who walks away from a provocation and does not respond (Rosh Hashanah 17a). Think of it! There are sins which are not completely erased even by Yom Kippur, but are forgiven if a person controls oneself and does not respond in anger. That should be more than adequate gain to exert self control.

The Chazon Ish was walking, accompanied by a fine young talmid chacham. Some non-Jews walked by and threw some very insulting remarks at them. The young man reacted by returning the insults. The Chazon Ish said to him, “I thought you were a ben Torah (a Torah scholar).” The young man asked, “How should a ben Torah react?’ The Chazon Ish answered, “A ben Torah does not react.”

In Yiddish, the word “learn” can mean both “to learn” and “to teach,” (e.g. “I will learn you how to behave.) My mother used to relate that a person boasted, “I have learned all of Talmud,” and someone asked him, “And what did all of Talmud learn (teach) you?”

It is not enough to simply ignore an insult, and even to forgive someone is not enough. One must forgive wholeheartedly.

A man approached Harav Eliyahu Lapian and asked for mechilah (forgiveness) for having offended him. “How did you offend me?” Harav Lapian asked. When the person was reluctant to reveal this, Harav Lapian said, “How can I forgive you when I don’t know what I am forgiving?” Reluctantly, the man admitted what the offense was.

Harav Lapian said, “If I tell you that I am forgiving you, it will be just lip-service, because it will not be sincere. Come back in two weeks. In the interim, I will study mussar and will be able to forgive you wholeheartedly.”

Our gedolim ( Torah personalities) took middos (character traits) very seriously. It was said of them that they were even greater geniuses in middos than they were in Torah.

Our gedolim had their priorities straight. Some people may be very machmir (strict) on some things, but may be lax in middos. Nowhere does it say that a person who is exceptionally machmir on things which are permissible according to halacha is forgiven all his sins. It does say that a person who does not react in rage when provoked is forgiven all his sins. We can have a “super” Yom Kippur every day.